French Fried and Bleary Eyed

So, we've been getting these ayurveda treatments everyday and will continue to do so until we've had seven. Ayurveda is the world's most ancient system of natural health care. The goal of the treatments is to restore balance and re-establish calm and harmony in the body. Its all about deep cleansing and purification of the body, mind and soul. Herbalized oils are used in all sorts of ways to do this.

Today's treatment involved me lying on my back, starkers, while they built a little dam around my eyes, think diving mask. Then they poured very warm ghee (clarified butter) over my eyes and told me to open them. Wierd. After the butter solidified somewhat, it was drawn off and fresh ghee added. Repeat as necessary. This went on for about an hour. I now smell like a cressant. Its a couple hours later and I'm still waiting for my vision to clear up. Allll righty you say, but some of the folks in our group have been here before and this treatment improved their eyesight and removed astigmatisms. We shall see, pun intended.

After that, they brought in a little one-burner gas stove and heated up a frying pan of oil. It started sizziling and I'm thinking, "Oh boy, we're gonna have french fries". Ah, the bliss of ignorance. Well, imagine my surprise when the guy dips this pad into the oil and starts beating the hell out of me with it! But don't worry, this pad has a handle on it so HE doesn't burn his hand. OK for him. If you know what a printer's inking pad looks like, then you've got some idea of the thing. He takes it, dips it into the sizzling oil and bam, bam, bam goes up and down on my delicate pinkness. And yes, it did burn like hell, but after about 5 or 6 whacks it was comfortable. That was his clue to dip it again and sear me some more. Up one leg, then up the other. I'm thinking about where this trajectory is leading to and getting real nervous. Thank God he didn't go there, but he did persue the rest of my body with heroic vigor.

Then, there was a great deep body massage, with about three quarts of herbal oil. That was my favorite part. I feel like eelish.

Unfortunately, they don't leave one to bask in the afterglow. Oh, no, no, no. They have an apparently inexhaustable supply of oil and a finite number of body parts to use it on and/or in. Even places where the sun doesn't shine, so to speak. We're talking real deep clensing here, folks. Funny, but I don't recall that little factoid being featured on the brochure. At least it wasn't hot. In an attempt to retain the last shred of my dignity, I shall change the subject.

Some of the other procedures were equally interesting. One involved dripping oil into the upturned nostrils. Coulda done without that one. Another found me inhaling herbal smoke from something resembling a roach into the nostrils. I'm thinking this was an attemp to singe every last nose hair into oblivion. If so, it worked beautifully.

The people's choice award goes to the Third Eye Therapy. This was truly wonderful. They hang a pot of very warm oil (sensing a theme, here are ya?) over your head and let out a continuous little stream onto your forehead while swinging it back and forth pendulum style. Totally zones you out.

BTW, my personal favorite is the steam bath. While laid out on the massage table, they cover you with a wooden framework from the neck down. (Think upside down canoe). They cover this frame with a heavy blanket and then pump hot steam into this tent. Its sooo relaxing and boy, do your pores open up. Niagra time.

I know this all sounds so glamorous, but it is serious business. And somehow, it works. Would people continue doing it for three thousand years if it didn't?

God, I hope so.